


It's a Wonderful Community

by soundlessAsdots



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-24
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-13 14:43:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1230310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soundlessAsdots/pseuds/soundlessAsdots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a heated, three-hour argument over planning a dance,  Jeff decides he's had it with the group and wishes he never ran into Britta on her cigarette break during the first Study Meeting. With his inner-spirit-guide-or-something, Bill Murray, Jeff sees how different the Study Group members' lives would have been.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I haven't written a Community FF in a while, so please, be gentle if the voices might be a bit "off," in the first chapter. Also, the first chapter may be less descriptive than usual -- I've been writing scripts, so my description/prose is probably minimal and lazy, but I'll try to be less lazy in later chapters. 
> 
> Also, there's another AU similar to this on here, apologies in advanced. Did not steal your idea or anything. I just haven't been on here in a while and wrote this after watching a Moonlighting episode and before visiting the board.
> 
> Also, if anyone cares, I just figured out how to end, "Intro to Cimmerian Environments:Redux," and will be posting the last chapter soon.

“How many times do I need to say this?” Jeff rose from his chair.“Annie, none of us are going to let your pharmaceutical company sponsor the stupid dance that we have to plan because all of you guys -- specifically you, Annie -- made me join this asinine student-teacher alliance group!”

“You also started this student-teacher alliance!" Annie said. 

"Yeah, because you kept criticizing my teaching-style in class for a job that I don't even want!" 

"Because you weren't actually doing your job!"

"I was doing it in my own style!" 

"Regardless of what your style is, you helped start this and the dance will help fundraise for a good cause!” Annie rose from her chair and leered at him.

“Yeah, a good cause for your bank account,” Britta said.

“Excuse me, Britta,” Annie removed her glare from Jeff and onto Britta.

“Am I the only one here, who clearly sees this as a way for Annie to peddle drugs?” Britta asked.

“Like you don’t have friends who do the same, illegally I may add,” Shirley said.

“The professions of my friends are none of your business, okay? Even if some of them happen to sell pirated DVD’s and Norwegian shaving creme out of the trunks of their cars,” Britta said.

“Does he have DVD rips or low-quality hand-held camera copies?” Abed asked.

“I don’t know,” Britta said.

“Give me his number anyway, “Abed said.

“I would also like that number, specifically if this shaving creme happens to be made with Norwegian rainwater,” Jeff said.

“Oh and look at Jeff more concerned with his skin-care routine than for raising money for the chemistry labs to update their equipment,”Annie said, “What a surprise. I’m sure he has some witty, sarcastic quip as a response.”

“Okay, you know what, Annie,” Jeff said, “maybe I don’t care about the chemistry lab. Maybe it’s because we’ve been arguing about this for three hours and updating it isn’t going to change the fact that a degree at this school is worth less than a clown college certificate!”

“And that’s the exact thinking that’s not improving Greendale,” Annie said.

“Maybe Jeff is right,” Shirley said.

“What?” Annie’s mouth hung open in disgust.

“There are a lot more things we should be raising money for. The women’s room in the East wing hasn’t had any doors on the stalls since the last paintball game,” Shirley said, cringing, “I can’t do my business in the open like that.”

“Shirley’s brought up a good point,” Abed said.

“Seriously, Abed?” Annie asked.

“Why the chemistry labs?” Abed asked.

“Because the Bunsen burners are so out of date, they’ve become extremely dangerous to use. I mean, Garret burnt his eyebrows off last week and now he looks eerily like Guy Pearce in _Lawless_ ,” Annie said.

“Or perhaps its because your major specifically uses the chemistry labs in certain forensic classes?” Abed rose his eyebrows at Annie.

She cleared her throat and murmured, “Uh, no why would you say that? Ridiculous.”

“My point exactly,” Jeff said, “This is Annie manipulating the situation, like she always does, under the guise that she’s helping others when it’s really  so she can market pharmaceuticals and raise money for, 'causes,' that pertain to her! And me, personally, I’m not going to bend over backwards for her and--”

“I’m right here in the room, Jeff. You don’t need to refer to me in the third person,” Annie said, crossing her arms. “And it’s not like you don't do the exact same thing all the time.”

“You were just referring to me in the third-person, literally less than a minute ago!” Jeff said.

“I was being sarcastic!” Annie said.

“Jeff’s depersonalizing the situation to reduce sexual tension,” Abed said. “And if we’re going to be raising money for anything, it should be the film department. They’re still using Super 8’s and I didn’t grow up in the seventies like JJ Abrams. I have no reason to make a movie rekindling childhood moments by adding aliens.”

Britta began to say, “If we were raising money for anything it should be for the protestors in the Ukraine. They’re out there risking their lives, getting burned, tear-gassed, beaten and here we are just letting the government do whatever it wants. Before you know it--”

“Why don’t you get off your high-horse of lunacy?” Shirley said. She rose from her seat, “Like you actually care about what’s going on in the Ukraine.”

Britta’s mouth hung open in disgust, “You did not just say what I think you did?”

“Oh, you bet I did,” Shirley said with an intense stare.

“You’re just saying that because you’re going to make money selling sandwiches at the dance regardless of what we’re -- actually you know what -- if you had your way, we’d be donating it to a pro-life movement!” Britta said.

“Great, look what you did, Annie,” Jeff said.

“Well, I’m sorry if I follow the Lord and his commandments,” Shirley said, “Thou shalt not kill, Britta!”

“What I did?” Annie scoffed with disbelief.

“Oh yeah?” Britta’s lips curled into a cruel smile as she rose form her seat and leaned across the table, “What does, 'the Lord,' say about divorce, Shirley?”

“You did not just--” Shirley yelled. 

“--I don’t have to tell you things are bad,” Abed said as everyone paused and looked at him, “Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel’s worth; banks are going bust; shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter; punks are running wild in the street, and there’s nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to--”

“This! There’s no end to the nonsensical craziness of thisss!” Jeff said through gritted teeth as he motioned around the room to everyone, “Abed, you can’t just end an argument with a monologue from _Network_. Just like you can’t automatically motivate a person by reciting a speech from _Glengarry Glen Ross_!”He buried his face in his hands and then shook his head.

“Have you actually tried to motivate a--” Abed began.

“You know what? This is ridiculous. I should be a lawyer! I shouldn’t be babysitting a bunch of adults and planning a dance like we’re on some party-planning committee in an episode of _Degrassi High_!” Jeff said.

“Sorry, that planning a dance and the chemistry department isn’t important enough for you,” Annie said sarcastically.

“I thought you were over this,” Britta said, sighing. “Because, to be honest, it’s getting tiring -- you questioning your morality and direction and stuff. You don’t have to be here, Jeff.”

“I don’t have to be here?” Jeff said, “Are you kidding? You guys have been guilting me into having to be here or having to do things since Abed started this group!” He grabbed the coat off his chair and said, “You know what, sometimes I wish I just walked out of the library that day six years ago and didn’t run into Britta on a cigarette break. Then I wouldn’t have had six leeches attached to me for the past five years.”

As everyone stared at him in silence, Jeff walked out of the Study Room.

 

* * *

 

 

 Jeff strolled into his apartment and threw his jacket on his couch. He stopped, looked at the ground, picked up the jacket, and went over to his coat-closet to put the coat on a wooden hanger. He grabbed a bottle of scotch and plopped himself on his couch.

Turning on the television to his Netflix account, he noticed that his rating for _The Grey_ had been changed and that apparently he’d just recently watched _Lawless_ and _Clueless_. “No more free-rides for Abed and Annie.” Jeff changed his password and then his rating for _The Grey_ back to four stars.

As he began to watch what was either _Iron Man II_ or _The Avengers_ \-- once he got to his fifth glass of scotch he couldn’t remember which movie he picked and just recalled a red-haired Scarlett Johansson in a spandex suit -- he fell asleep.

He woke up and looked at his cable box. It was almost three AM. Jeff sighed and got up from his couch. He rubbed his eyes and looked around the room.

This wasn’t his apartment.

He turned the light on. The apartment, the living room set, and the television were bigger and more expensive. “Where the--” Jeff began to say.

“-- Fuck are you?” a man emerging from the bathroom said.

“Bill Murray?” Jeff asked with wide-eyes. “Is this--”

“No, this isn’t my apartment.”

“Then whos--”

“It’s yours.”

“Mine?” Jeff asked, gesturing to himself, “This -- how?”

“Well, you wished it earlier. You know, not let the hot, blonde one rope you back in there and make a speech in vein of mine from _Meatballs_?”

“Then what are you? A ghost?”

“No. Think of me, I dunno, like an inner spirit guide or something,” Bill Murray walked over to the table where Jeff’s scotch bottle was and poured himself a glass.

“Am I dreaming?"

“Bill Murray just magically appeared in your luxury apartment, you didn’t have when you fell asleep, and told you that he granted a wish. You tell me.”

Jeff sat down on the couch and ruffled his hands through his hair. “So -- so I’m now, here, living what would have happened if I walked out of the first study meeting?”

“Something like that,” Bill Murray said as he walked over to Jeff. He handed him a scotch, “Here, you’re going to need this in a minute.”

“Wha-why?”

Then, the door swung open. Jeff saw himself holding and kissing a blonde woman in his arms.

“What the--” Jeff said as he jumped up from the couch.  

“Don’t bother freaking out. They can’t see you,” Bill Murray said.

“Am I a ghost?” Jeff asked, then took swig of the glass of scotch.

“Are you listening? Neither of us are ghosts. Jesus, listening isn’t one of your strong suits, is it?”

The Other Jeff let the blonde woman down and said, “Amber, would it be horrible to say that your step-father dying may have been the highlight of my week?”

“Considering it was the highlight of my life -- a seventeen-million-dollar-highlight -- I’d have to say no,” Amber said before kissing Jeff again.

“When you walked into my office, I couldn’t help taking my eyes off of you,” the Other Jeff said.

Bill Murray looked at Jeff and said, “That was the best line you had?”

"I'm not him. I would have come up with -- okay, probably the same line. I really don’t see what this is trying to prove,” Jeff said as he walked over to his counterpart and Amber making out. He gestured to them and said, “So Pierce also died in the other...” Jeff cringed and said, “Timeline.”

“Oh, these aren’t really timelines. This is a wish. Completely different,” Bill Murray said.

“Since wishes and timelines are both fictional I really don’t care about the technicalities of terms,” Jeff said. 

“Suit yourself,” Bill Murray shrugged. “Alright this is boring and obviously having little effect on you.”

“Wait...I wanna see what happens.”

“You bone her on the couch, she leaves, and you watch a _Vanderpump’s Rules_ marathon on Bravo.”

“That sounds kind of--”

“Bleak? The only thing bleaker would be if you cried after she left.”

“Do I?”

“After? Do you really want to know? Because I’m sure both of us want to stay around long enough to see that.” Bill Murray snapped his fingers.

Jeff found himself standing in a large corner office, looking at the Colorado Mountains in the distance.

“Is this my office?” Jeff asked as he sat in the large, leather chair at the desk.

“What do you think?” Bill Murray asked before taking a sip of his scotch.

“Could I just say that you might be the worst inner-spirit-guide-thing or whatever.”

“You want me to leave?” Bill started to gesture toward the door, “I could go get Chevy Chase?”

“Will you two have a fist fight while wearing bee costumes?” Jeff asked.

“Suit yourself, but you would have done the same thing if you heard what he said about Jane.” Bill Murray started to open the office door.

“Wait!” Jeff said, sighing, “This is fine -- I mean, great.”

“Good to hear.” Bill Murray nodded, “Now get up from that chair.”

“Why?” Jeff asked.

He saw himself and Alan, dressed in designer suits, walk through the office doors.

“So then I said, ‘Oil corporations are people too. Why couldn’t a few birds from that sanctuary sacrifice their lives for the good of all that it means to be an American. Because you know what it means to be a good American? Donating money to a cause that helps 9/11 victims, like the gentlemen on the board of Riverside Oil.’ Twelve years later, it still gets them every time.”

“That’s because you’re the best, Tango,” Alan said, “I mean, despite that small bump in the road--”

“If you’re referring to the two years where I had to go to a community college and earn a four-year degree in half the time, then please, don’t,”The other Jeff said as he sat in the recently vacated chair.

Jeff turned to Bill Murray and said, “Wow, this is such a moving dream. Can I please wake-up now?”

“I sense some sarcasm,” Bill said as he snapped his fingers to freeze the scene so the Other Jeff sat at the desk with an annoyed look directed at Alan.

"Now you have Zack Morris powers?" Jeff walked over to the Other Jeff, frozen in the chair, and waved his hand in front of his counterpart's face. 

“And I never said this was a dream. This is a wish,” Bill Murray said. 

“You’ve established that. Can I go back now?” Jeff asked.

“Who said you were going back?”

“Excuse me?”

“You made a wish.”

“We’ve established this.”

“And I’m just catching you up to speed.”

“Up to speed to what?”

“I dunno, maybe to acclimate you to your new life?”

“Aren’t you supposed to show me my life last? Isn’t that how it goes? Then I change my mind or whatever?”

“Yeah, because I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just your inner-spirit-guide-whatever. Yeah. I would’t have any clue as to the order of people in your life’s lives I should show you first.”

“Okay, that was way too sarcastic for me to figure out what you mean,” Jeff said. 

Bill Murray sighed, “If I didn’t show you this first, then later wouldn’t make any sense or have as much of an impact -- Okay, now that I think about it, I really shouldn’t have told you that. Eh, whatever. Think of it as a gift. So where do you wanna go next? Find out what the blonde study group member is up to?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? Wasn’t she stopping you the catalyst or whatever for every life decision you’ve made since that first study meeting?”

“I’m thinking that maybe you just want to see what the blonde -- I mean, Britta -- is up to,” Jeff said. 

“Fair enough. I'm really supposed to do this in a certain order. She's supposed to be second-to-last, but you don't really seem that motivated. I'll just do it in whatever the hell order you want." 

"Who's last?" Jeff asked. 

"Yeah, I'm just going to tell you the last one." 

Jeff tilted his head in thought before finally saying, “Who do you think I should see first?”

“Well,” Bill Murray began, “Usually I take people to the one that would have the least amount affect on them first -- technically we just saw Pierce -- Is it me or it this a lot of exposition?”

“It is.”

“Fine, I guess we’ll see Troy,” Bill Murray said before taking a sip of his scotch then snapping his fingers.


	2. That's Probably Why You're Not a Lawyer Anymore

Jeff found himself standing in the middle of a hallway at Greendale. However, the school was in a state of disrepair. Lockers were falling off their hinges. Tiles were missing in the floor. Some of the classroom door windows were reduced to shards of glass poking out of the frames. 

“I get it,” Jeff said with annoyance. He crinkled his forehead. “I’m supposed to help Greendale. Make it a better place. Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah.” 

“What?” Bill Murray asked, “No. We’re not here for that. We’re here to see Troy. Do you listen?” he took a sip of his scotch and continued, “Should I take you to see Annie next so I can get your ears checked at the hospital?” 

“Wait. Why is Annie at a hospital?” 

“Yeah...Wasn’t supposed to tell you that.” 

“What is Annie doing at a hospital? Is she okay?” Jeff asked, his voice lowering to a rigid tone. 

Bill Murray took a sip of his scotch. 

Jeff looked at him, annoyed, “Hello? Did you hear me?” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you say something?” Bill Murray said. 

“I get it. I’ll Listen,” Jeff sighed. 

Students scurried by on their way to class. Jeff turned to Bill Murray, “So, Troy’s at Greendale still?” 

“Well, he never met Pierce. Didn’t ever live with him. Didn’t get put in the will. I’d figure you’d be smart enough to figure that out from that Amber broad’s statement earlier.” 

“Well, I didn’t.” 

“That’s probably why you’re not a lawyer anymore.” 

“Hey! I was a --” 

“Be quiet,” Bill Murray said calmly. “You’re supposed to hear this.” 

Then Jeff saw the Dean walking down the hallway as his secretary took notes. 

“Eh, we gotta follow them,” Bill Murray said. 

“Okay, it’s going to be fine, right?” the Dean asked his secretary. He scampered down the hallway liked a panicked rabbit. “He wont make me sell right?” 

The secretary took a look around the hallways with a deadpan expression, “He’s probably going to make you sell.” 

Just as they turned the corner, Jeff saw Britta walk by without acknowledging the Dean. Jeff stopped, unable to keep following the Dean, and noticed that she carried a purse instead of a backpack. She texted on an Iphone. 

“Britta?” Just as Jeff caught up to her she put her phone back in her purse. “How the hell can you afford an iphone?” 

She ignored him, looking straight ahead. 

“Hey!” he stepped in front of Britta, causing her to walk through him. Jeff’s eyes widened as he felt his chest to see if he was actually there. “What the--” 

“What are you doing?” Bill Murray asked as he walked toward Jeff. He gestured to the other end of the hallway and said, “You just missed a ton of important shit!” 

“Why in the hell am I fading away like I’m Marty McFly or something? You said I wasn’t a ghost!” 

“You’re not ‘fading away,’ and You’re. Not. A. Ghost. I mean, I would know, right?” 

Jeff ruffled his hands through his hair, “Is Britta still a student here?” 

“Did she look like a student here?” 

“I’m taking that as a ‘no.’ Jeff paused then said, “Then why is she here?” 

“You’ll find out later.” Bill Murray checked his watch. “We got a place to be.” He snapped his fingers. They appeared in a well-decorated office full of air-conditioning memorabilia. The Dean stood in front of a desk, the large leather chair faced away. 

The Dean’s legs shook out of fear. His secretary slapped his arm with the back of her hand to snap him out of it. He cleared his throat, “V-vice Dean--” 

“One sec, dude,” the person behind the chair said, “almost done Tweeting.” 

“Why didn’t I think of that?” Jeff said before taking out his phone from his pocket. 

“Not gonna work here,” Bill Murray said. 

“Fine,” Jeff said. He put the phone back in his pocket as he glared at Bill Murray. 

“Dean, we have a problem,” the voice behind the chair said. 

“I know -- I know you’re not happy about paying for the damage caused by the recent riot,” the Dean said. 

“Dude!” the chair turned around, to reveal Troy, dressed in a suit. “It’s not my fault there was, like, a riot! Yet here you are asking me for money from the air-conditioning repair school’s budget!” 

“Hold on a sec!” Jeff yelled. He turned to Bill Murray and said, “Zack Morris this for a minute!” 

“Is this you asking me to freeze everything?” Bill Murray asked. 

“Yes, I know, but -- but if I don’t get that money they’re going to shut-me down!” the Dean said. 

“Yes! Freeze this!” Jeff said. 

Bill Murray sighed and snapped his fingers. The scene froze. Jeff walked up to Troy and looked more closely at him. 

“Why the hell is he wearing a suit?’ Jeff asked. 

“If you would listen instead of demanding me to tell you everything, then you would find out,” Bill Murray said, then snapped his fingers, unfreezing the scene. 

Troy smirked and shook his head. He rose from the chair effortlessly and walked over in front of the desk to lean against it. “Dean Pelton,” Troy said, “I’m not gonna give you money from my budget -- whatever my budget is --” 

“You don’t know what your budget is?”Dean Pelton asked. 

“I’m the air-conditioning messiah, it’s not my job to know what the budget is,” Troy said. 

“He spent the entire budget,” Jeff said with a nod. 

“See what listening can accomplish?” Bill Murray asked. 

“Is that what I’m supposed to be learning?” Jeff asked. 

“You must be the worst person to go to a movie with,” Bill Murray said. “You never shut -up.” 

“Tr-I mean, Vice Dean,” Dean Pelton said with caution. 

“Well, Bill Murray,” Jeff said between his gritted teeth, “If my phone worked, then I would shut-up.” 

The Dean continued, “Please tell me you didn’t spend the entire air-conditioning school budget.” 

“Then I wont tell you?” Troy let out a nervous laugh. He gulped as his brow began to dampen with sweat. 

“If your phone worked, then you wouldn’t be listening,” Bill Murray said. “You’d be tweeting or some shit.” 

“Troy! We're gonna have to sell!” The Dean squealed. He began to panic and took off his glasses to rub his eyes. “Do you know what City College is going to do to us unless we can figure out a way to pay for the repairs to keep the buildings up to code?” 

Troy shook his head. 

“They’re going to buy us and turn the entire school into a parking lot! Do you know how large of a problem the lack of parking is at City College?” 

“No,” Troy said. 

“Well, it’s ridiculous. People have to park at the KFacoBell across the street.” 

“What?” Troy asked. 

“A KFacoBell,” the Dean said. 

“I don’t think that’s what -- “ Troy began to say. 

Then Bill Murray snapped his fingers. 

Jeff found himself at the entrance to Riverside Hospital. 

“What the hell!” Jeff said, “I wanted to find out what happens!” 

“We’ll go back later,” Bill Murray waved his hand back at Jeff. “Whole lotta nothing about to happen.” 

“I thought you were supposed to take me to my friends in an order?” Jeff asked. 

“Oh, we threw the order out the window ages ago.” 

“Out the window?” 

“Exactly. Ages ago,” Bill Murray said. He took a sip of his scotch. He gestured the glass to a woman with shoulder length brunette hair as she walked past them and through the automatic glass doors. “Someone’s late for work.” 

“Annie?” Jeff said with a soft murmur.


	3. Like an Episode of Nurse Jackie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill Murray and Jeff start to get antsy with each other as they follow Annie around the hospital.

Jeff rushed to the automatic hospital doors, but they didn’t open. He waited in frustration. His hands tapped against his thighs as he anticipated the doors to open. While Jeff stood there, Bill Murray took a sip of scotch and walked through the closed doors like a ghost. When he noticed Jeff didn’t follow, he stuck his intangible head through the door and said, “You coming?” and then turned around to continue into the hospital.

He saw Annie, dressed in a silk shirt and a pencil skirt, walking down the hallway carrying a bunch of paperwork in her arms. Jeff practically sprinted down the hallway as Bill Murray walked with a calm demeanor behind him.

Annie stopped by the elevators and as she pressed the button to go up, she dropped all her paperwork on the ground. She knelt on the ground to pick them up and muttered obscenities to herself.

“She looks different,” Jeff said. "Older...but she's not older than she was before the wish." 

“I’m not gonna complain about the way she looks from this angle,” Bill Murray said as he finished the scotch in his glass.

Jeff’s face scrunched up, “Would you please not look at her like that?”

“Hey, if she’s gonna pick up papers on the ground like that, I’m gonna look. Can you blame me? I’m only human.”

“I thought you were a spirit guide.” Jeff said with a glare.

The elevator doors opened. With panic, Annie gathered the rest of the papers and went into the elevator. Jeff and Bill Murray followed.

In the elevator, Annie began to elaborately try to open her purse with one hand while holding the papers in her arms.

“You should probably look at what she’s doing with that purse instead of glaring at me,” Bill Murray said to Jeff with a sheepish grin.

Annie took out a plastic bag filled with an assortment of pills.

“Dammit, Annie!” Jeff said as he gestured with frustration to the plastic baggie. He turned to Bill Murray and said, “What’s she doing with those?”

Bill Murray shrugged, “On the briefing sheet they gave me -- “

“They?” Jeff asked, “Who’s they?”

“It’s not of your concern. Look, do you want me to give you some context on this or are you going to interrupt me a million times?”

Jeff rolled his eyes, “Continue.”

“According to the briefing sheet,” Bill Murray said, “she left Greendale after she got a scholarship to the University of Denver her sophomore year. In fear of losing it, she ended up taking the pills again to keep up with work or graduate early to save money or something like that. After working at the hospital, she began taking other stuff too...and, yeah, can’t remember the last part”

“Where’s she getting them?” Jeff asked.

“Oh, I can’t tell you that.” Bill Murray said.

“Then what can you actually tell me? Because this, ‘context,’ you keep giving me is crap. It’s divulging nothing and truth be told, you’re pretty useless.”

“I’m useless?” Bill Murray pointed to himself, “Pff. I’m useless?” He let out a sarcastic chuckle and shook his head, “I’m useless? Seriously?”

Jeff ignored Bill Murray and focused on Annie balancing the papers in her arms. She attempted to open the plastic bag without success.

Then the elevator doors suddenly opened. In panic, Annie dropped the bag and by what she assumed to be some tragic, sick twist of fate, it fell in that crack between the elevator doors and down the elevator shaft.

“No!” Annie said. She awkwardly kneeled between the elevator and the seventh level’s tiled floor.

“I could get used to her dropping things,” Bill Murray said.

“I could punch you in the face,” Jeff said.

“Woa!” Bill Murray said with a slight laugh, “Where’s all this angry jealousy coming from? Last time I checked, you were not romantically involved with this woman.”

“I’m not and it’s not angry jealousy. You just shouldn’t be saying these things about her. She’s kind of young, you know?”

“Young? She’s twenty-four. Last time I checked she can do pretty much everything, except rent a car.”

“Look,” Jeff said with frustration, “if you’re going to keep being irritating like this, then I suggest you leave before I...” Before Jeff could finish the sentence, Bill Murray disappeared.

“Why? Why me? Dammit all to fucking hell!” Annie pounded the floor desperately with her fist. She got up and sped walked to her office. Jeff followed her.

Annie dropped the paperwork on her desk with a loud thud and then began a frenzied search of her desk’s drawers.

Jeff looked at the degree on the wall behind her. It did not have the emblem of a butt-hole. Instead there was the burgundy crest of the University of Denver.

After Annie searched the top drawer of her desk, she slammed it shut and shouted, “Shit!” She paced back and forth, before she stopped and sighed. “Think,” she told herself out loud. Her eyes widened as she began to open a file cabinet; thinking she may have left some pills in there. After her fingers crept through the manilla folders, she clenched both fists and shut the drawer.

Jeff walked behind her as she left her office, locked the door and walked into the bathroom. She checked under the stalls and locked the door.

“Hey,” a man’s voice said, “women only. Didn’t you read the sign?”

Jeff turned around and saw Bill Murray, now with a newly filled glass of scotch, standing in the middle of the women’s room.

“What are you doing here? I thought you left?” Jeff said.

“Well, I had to come back and make a joke about you following a woman into the bathroom.”

“Well, it was a crappy joke,” Jeff said.

“Still worth it,” Bill Murray said and gestured to his glass of scotch, “Besides, I had to go check up on our next destination.”

“I don’t get it,” Jeff said.

“Which is another reason you’re not a lawyer anymore,” Bill Murray said.

“If you don’t stop it with--” Jeff began to yell, but then Bill Murray snapped his fingers and disappeared. Jeff looked at Annie and watched her stand over the sink and wipe under her eyes. She looked in the mirror. He could tell her eyes were searching for a solution. He tried to put his hand on her shoulder, but it became transparent and went through her like it was made of smoke.

Annie mussed up her hair in the mirror and then took in a deep breath. She turned around, walked through Jeff out of the bathroom.

Jeff followed her through the hallways. Her high-heels clacked and echoed through the hallways of the hospital. She stopped in front of an office door, straightened up her clothes, and then knocked. Jeff looked at the name on the office door, which read, “Rich Stevenson, MD.”

“Annie! What the hell are you doing here?” Jeff yelled at her. “Annie! Don’t go in! Don’t go in!”

“Come in,” a voice said from behind the door.

Annie entered the office and smiled at Rich. He started to get up from behind his desk, but Annie said, “Don’t even bother getting up.” She smirked at him and shut the door.

“Annie, what the hell are you doing?’ Jeff said. “Rich? Really? Rich?”

Annie straddled Rich as he sat in his office chair. In disgust, Jeff watched her begin to make-out with him as Rich’s hand started to go up her shirt.

“Watch her left hand,” Jeff heard Bill Murray say.

Jeff turned around and said, fuming, “Where the hell did you come from?”

“Well, I felt kind of badly about the fight we had earlier, but that’s not important now. Watch her left hand.”

Jeff focused on Annie. He watched her pivot the swirly chair with her foot, so she was facing the desk and Rich was facing away from it. Her left hand began searching around the desk for something.

“What’s she doing?” Jeff asked, panicked.

“Would you just watch her left hand?” Bill Murray asked.

Annie’s left hand found Rich’s prescription pad on the desk. She tried to rip off a couple of prescription scripts. She pulled away from Rich and said, “Take my shirt off.” Rich’s hand slid up her torso, pulling her blouse off her body, and letting it fall on the desk. Annie tried to grasp the prescription pad. As her fingers managed to find the pad, Rich’s pager, sitting on the desk, went off.

“When did Annie’s life turn into an episode of Nurse Jackie?” Jeff asked with disgusted disbelief.

"The things an addict will do for a prescription pad." Bill Murray shrugged and took a sip of his scotch.

Rich began to turn the chair around; causing Annie’s fingers to release the prescription pad she almost managed to grasp. Rich looked at the pager and said, “Burn victim. I’m going to have to do some skin grafts. Continue this later?”

Annie thought about it for a moment as she grabbed her shirt. “I don’t really know if later is going to work now that...”

“Now that what?” Rich asked.

Annie tilted her head, brushed off the question and asked, “How about tonight?”

“Can’t tonight,” Rich said.

“That’s because he’s probably a serial killer,” Jeff said with disdain.

“Have you ever heard of giving someone, ‘the benefit of the doubt?’” Bill Murray asked.

“Okay,” Annie nodded, “It’s just...” She buttoned up her shirt, “You never can do anything at night...with me at least.”

“Never mind. Definitely a serial killer,” Bill Murray nodded.

“That’s because we see each other all day,” Rich said, “Besides, I really have to prepare for my trip to Ecuador. All those cleft pallets aren’t going to fix themselves.”

“Yeah, I understand,” Annie said.

“So, am I going to see you later?’ Rich asked as he started to escort her out of his office.

“Um,” Annie cleared her throat, “Not sure. You do those skin grafts. I think I have an, um, meeting? Mhmm. Trying to get the hospital new MRI machines.”

In the hallway, Rich locked the door to his office and left Annie standing alone in the hallway as he went to an operating room. When Rich was out of sight, Annie went into a janitors’ closet. She sat on a bucket, took out her cellphone, and said, “Hey...it’s Annie--who else would it be? ...I know I saw you just last night, but...No....I swear to God...would you give me the benefit of the doubt? ...Fell down an elevator shaft...No! I’m not being sarcastic! Don't you understand? I need--I'm going to crash soon and I can't--...I’m not going to take them all at once!...What kind of drug dealer cares this much?”

Jeff looked at Bill Murray and asked, tilting his head, “What kind of drug dealer cares that much?”

Stone-faced, Bill Murray didn’t answer and snapped his fingers.

Jeff looked around. They were now somewhere in downtown Greendale. “What the hell?” he asked.

“Eh, what happens in the next twenty-minutes is extremely boring. Also, I hate the smell of cleaning products. We’ll see her later.”

"Why? So you can objectify her?" Jeff asked with discontent. 

"You've been hanging out wit the blonde a lot, haven't you?" Bill Murray asked, raising his eyebrows.

"No. I just respect Annie enough to not stare at her ass when she's picking up things on the floor." Jeff said. 

"Which is exactly why you make her wear more revealing clothing than she normally does in all of your eighties cartoon delusions?" 

"How--how'd you know about that?" 

"Bill Murray appeared in your luxary apartment that you didn't have before you went to sleep, granted you a wish, showed you how said wish would turn out, and now you're questioning how I know things about your past?" 

Jeff shook his head with frustration. He paced back and forth for a moment as a fire-engine drove by on Greendale's main street. He pointed to Bill Murray and yelled, "You're messing with me! Aren't you? This probably isn't even what would happen if my wish was granted!" 

"Denial is one of the best known defense mechanisms," Bill Murray said. 

Jeff squinted at him. 

"It's also a river in Africa," Bill Murray took a sip of his scotch. "Your wish has been granted. I'm showing you your new life. Deal with it."

"Now you sound like Britta."

"Who we will see right after we check up on Shirley. Also, Britta probably thinks Egypt is in Asia," Bill Murray nodded and started to walk down the street. Jeff didn't move. "You coming?" Bill Murray asked without turning around. 


	4. A Class A Idiot

Jeff and Bill Murray stood on Main Street in Greendale, Colorado. Jeff looked around and saw that they were in front of a bar he used to frequent. 

 

Bill Murray looked at his empty glass and said, “Perfect timing for this, huh? I need a refill and you look like you’re in need of some four hundred dollar scotch.” 

 

Jeff sighed and said, “I’m not really in the mood to see Britta right now.” 

 

“Oh, we’re not here to see Britta.” 

 

“But we’re at a bar. Britta’s basically doomed or destined to be a bartender no matter what reality, timeline, or wish we’re in.” 

 

“Then this might be the one wish where Britta isn’t a bartender.” Bill then walked through the door to the bar. 

 

Jeff stood outside, too afraid to go in. If they were at bar and weren’t there to see Britta, that could only mean one thing; Shirley. He mustered up the will to follow Bill Murray through the door. 

 

When he entered, he saw a practically empty bar. Bill Murray stood on a makeshift stage looking through the song selection of the karaoke machine.  

Jeff approached Bill Murray and said, “I don’t see anyone here.” 

 

“That’s because you have no patience.” Bill looked up from the song selection list and said, “I’m torn between ‘Let’s Stay Together,’ and ‘The Real Slim Shady.’ What do you think?” 

 

Fuming, Jeff said, “I think I’m ready to go home now.” 

 

“Go home?” Bill rose is eyebrows at Jeff, “As cliche as this sounds, you are home.” 

 

Jeff saw himself enter the bar. An Armani suit wearing, oozing of confidence version of him, the Other Jeff Winger, sat down at a table in the corner and ordered a drink from the cocktail waitress. 

 

Jeff walked over to the douchy, Other Jeff and stared at him play a game on his iPhone. “What am I waiting for?” Jeff yelled over to Bill Murray, who was still looking at the song list. 

 

“What do you think of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart?’” Bill asked. “Wait. That’s kind of a duet. You wouldn’t happen to be in the mood to--” Bill saw the expression on Jeff’s face and said, “Okay I’ll pick another.” 

 

“I don’t even know why I try,” Jeff muttered to himself. Then he saw the Other Jeff look up and motion to someone to come over. When Jeff turned around, he saw a strung-out, sunglasses wearing Annie Edison approaching the Other Jeff. 

 

In the background, Jeff could hear Bill Murray singing, “Wild World.” 

 

“I knew you’d come back. Wanting more. They always do,” the Other Jeff said, smirking as he swished around his glass of scotch. 

 

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Annie said with pursed lips. “I’m not here for that--” 

 

“Keep telling yourself that.” 

 

“Seriously? Could you drop the conceded lawyer act for a minute and just listen to what I have to say?” 

 

“Okay, what is it?” 

 

“I need you to take me to her.” 

 

The Other Jeff paused, tilting his head at her. He took a small sip of his glass and said, “If she’s not returning your calls and texts, there’s probably a reason for that.” 

 

“Reason? Pfff. There is no reason. I’m an amazing customer. I give her steady business--” 

 

“She has enough steady business.” The Other Jeff then looked at her, concerned, “Perhaps you’re giving her too much steady business?” 

 

“There was an accident,” Annie said. She sighed, “They fell down an elevator shaft.” 

 

“An elevator shaft?” he scoffed. The Other Jeff’s eyes then softened. He gently took her sunglasses off, gazed into her eyes, and said, seriously, “Annie, I’m worried about you.” 

 

"Fine, Jeff. I’ll go find Starburns. He’ll do it.” 

 

“So you did come to me because you wanted to?” the Other Jeff asked, smirking. 

 

“You just happened to be available sooner,” Annie said, snatching her sunglasses from him. 

 

“You sure you don’t want to come by later?”

 

After a pause, Annie said, “No....is 10:30 good?” 

 

“11:45 would be better.” 

 

“Why?” 

 

“I have an appointment at 10:00.” 

 

Annie began to get up from the table. 

 

The Other Jeff said, “She’s not going to give you anything.” 

 

“She owes me.” Annie said, adding with disdain, “You should know that better than anyone.” 

 

“We never discussed exclusivity!” the Other Jeff said. 

 

“You slept with every girl in our Spanish class!” 

 

“No. That isn’t true. I didn’t sleep with that housewife.” 

 

Annie rolled her eyes, then began to leave the bar. 

 

“She intimidated you sexually, didn’t she?” Bill Murray asked. 

 

Jeff flinched, to see Bill Murray standing behind him. 

 

“I’ve slept with--am sleeping with Annie?” Jeff asked. 

 

“Her and every other woman in your Spanish class besides Shirley.” Bill Murray sipped out of his scotch glass, “Just one study session after another. It was like you were boning your depression away, proving to yourself that you still had it.” 

 

"I'm sleeping with Annie?" Jeff said with wide eyes. "When?" 

 

"Do you not listen?" Bill Murray asked. he sighed, "Spanish class. You invited her to 'study' with you; not realizing she wouldn't let her crush on you go after. After she found out you boned the entire Spanish class, she stopped talking to you. Until you saw each other a couple years later at the same bar. There wasn't any reason to not sleep with her. You already had Britta within the first month. There was no study group to keep together."

 

"Britta and I boned within the first month of class?" 

 

"She's a lot easier to seduce when Abed isn't around creating fake study groups."   

 

As he took this information in, he saw a drunken Shirley emerge from the women’s room.

 

She wiped her mouth and said, “I know you from somewhere,” to the Other Jeff. 

 

The Other Jeff looked around the room and gestured to himself. 

 

“There isn’t anyone else in here!” Shirley said, laughing, “Spanish class! Remember?” 

 

“I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about,” the Other Jeff said. 

 

Before Jeff could ask Bill Murray what happened to Shirley, Bill snapped his fingers. 

 

Jeff found himself standing in the hallway of an elegant condo complex; the very same one he occupied. “Why didn’t we get to see the rest of that? 

 

“You pretend you don’t know Shirley, even though you do....I didn’t think you’d want to see yourself act like even more of an ass.” 

 

“I didn’t,” Jeff said, somberly. He looked at the door of condo 4K. “Who lives here?” 

 

“I think we both know who lives here.” 

 

“I do?’ 

 

Bill Murray rolled his eyes as he drank from his scotch glass. “Man, they stuck me with a class A idiot this time.” 

 

“Who’s ‘they?’” 

 

“Not important. What is important is who’s behind this door.” 

 

Then Jeff heard the song ‘Debaser,’ blaring through the walls. ‘

 

“Pixies...” Jeff said before looking at Bill Murray. 

 

The Dean then meandered down the hallway, with troy following him. Both looked like panicked gazelles about to enter a cheetah’s territory. -

 

“You sure there isn’t another way to get the money?” Troy asked. 

 

“Believe you me, if there was another way, I’d be doing it,” the Dean said. 

 


End file.
